DAMAGED

There is something to be said about a beautiful black man. Not only does he command attention, his mere presence make your heart skip a beat and your body temperature rise. He makes you think of naughty things you swore to your mamma you would never do and lie to your girlfriends about doing. Not to mention he will have you saying, "where have you been all of my life?" Indeed, you will be down on your knees thanking the Lord that you have finally found him. 

But let's be real, if all it took was a beautiful black man to satisfy all of our needs, I would be laying next to one right now instead of writing this piece.  And trust me, contrary to what all the magazines will have you believe there are no shortage of black men or men in general. Because let's be honest, even though we hate to admit it a majority of them have major issues.  Specifically, baby mama drama issues, (though,I despise the term) and crazy ex-girlfriend issues.  Also unemployment issues, mama issues, lack of ambitions, and the inability to accept NO.  And this is just to name a few.  In other words, they are damaged goods. Personally, I feel they should be a warning tag  attached to the ones with issues; something in the area of, "warning: damaged goods, take home at your own risk." In the same way when clothes are defective there is a warning tag that tells you it is damaged.  

Certainly, I am not just saying that to make a point, in fact I have had first hand experience in the damage goods department.  I remember it clearly as if it was yesterday. I met him on a bitter cold February day, just a few days before valentine day.   The streets were flooded with "I Love You" balloons and every side walk was decorated with an influx of more than the usual flower carts.  And as you can imagine being single, I was feeling the bitter more than the actual cold weather.  My friend whom I have known for years, who was in a committed loving relationship thought she might try to fix me up with a guy she knew, (of course unbeknownst to me) called me on the phone right before five o'clock and asked me to come with her to get her watch fix.  Having nothing to do after work, ( as usual) accept going home to my ungrateful children, (teenagers) I agreed to meet with her.  We arrived at this dirty old building in the middle of the diamond district area, took this scary old elevator and got off on the tiniest floor where the jewelry shop was located.  I don't know, but right there the red lights should have been flashing in front of me: Warning, warning, enter at your own risks.  Despite that, all I was thinking at the time was, this is the diamond district, people make and spent money here.  

There he was, 5'8, maybe 180 lbs and build to last, and boy did he last.  Fair skinned, brown eyes and nose that fit perfectly on his face. For anonymity I'll call him "Crown Royal," because that was his favorite liquor. Right there, I think I fell in love with "Crown Royal" and it showed in the way I was shamelessly flirting with him.  After many attempts to invite him out to dinner with us indirectly, I reluctantly gave up.  Undeterred I decided I would try to contact him through my friend later.  After he finished fixing her watch we headed out to Havana restaurant, on 39th street between 5th and 6th avenue to eat.  In between Cosmos and the best rice and beans in the city he was all I talked about. Finally I made my friend call him to give him my number but not before she interrogated him on what he thought of me. It was good enough for me when he told her I was cute and that he would definitely call me. A week after valentine day, he called. That should've been warning # 2 but I did not care because his voice was a symphony to my hears and I lost all my senses. 

Soon after that, we had our first date, and I was swept off my feet by his charms and easy smiles. And our chemistry was on fire. Throwing all cautions to the wind, I fell hard. Before I knew it, we were talking about babies and moving in together.    Eventually after several weeks of dating (by dating I really mean watching T.V. on the weekends, and drinking Crown Royal) he decided he was comfortable enough to ask me for a loan.  Warning #3. Apparently, all his money went to his bitter ex-wife for child support, whom by the way, up until recently he was trying to reconciled with.  Warning #4. Of course without hesitation, I gave him the loan because after all it was for a good cause. He explained, he needed to travel to Florida to expand his jewelry business.  It turned out the first trip to Florida was not very successful, and as a result he needed to go back again. But not before he decided that things between us was moving too fast and therefore needed to slow down. Warning #5. The second trip to Florida was proving to be beneficial and as a result he needed to stay longer. By then, the phone calls were becoming less and less and my calls were being sent to voicemail more often than I care to admit. Warning #6.  To make matters worse, when I did speak to him it became painfully clear that I was not clear on when he was coming back because he was very vague when asked. Needless to say, it was not long before I realized this was a bad romance and I needed to find the nearest exit out of this damaged good department.  And as for the loan, well, let's just say I am not holding my breath.  

In spite all that, I did not give up, because I kept telling myself sooner or later one good one will rise to the occasion. Just keep an open mind and most importantly, an open heart.   

RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC 101

Relationships are tough, and easy. Relationships are complex, and clear, but one thing it's not, it is not forever. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, but it does not come with a manual.  I am not pretentious, what you see is what you get; in fact, it bothers me that some people find it necessary to form fraudulent bonds they have no intention of keeping truthfully. I know humans are complex beings, hell, I am a complex being, but not to be unoriginal, "I keepsit real". When I was young__ like any other "selfish, it's all about me" teenager__ I believed no one understood me, but now that I am an adult I don't much care whether or not people understand me to a fault. For a long time because of my past relationship blunders I had  trust issues, which made it difficult for me to bond with people. I did not believe you can give your best to a relationship and expect the same. Deeply afraid of being disappointed I questioned how much of myself I am willing to give to someone for better or worst. Eventually with time and experience I learn that everyone falls in love sometimes. Sometimes it's wrong and sometimes it's right, but there comes a time you will exhale.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG…Ode to Michael Jackson

Back in the days when I was young_and I am not young anymore, but which I was_I used to have the biggest crush on Michael Jackson.  I used to daydream about being the mother of his children. In fact, now that I think about it I am inclined to believe that he was my first love. No lie. When I first saw his Thriller  video which was released in the fall of 1982 from his solo album by the same name, I was both scared and excited at the same time. I remember pretending to be the girl in the video. I loved every song on that album from "Billie Jeans" to "Beat It."  Naturally, the older I got  the bigger my obsession with Michael grew and by the time I was a teenager I knew every song and watch every video that was ever released. Indeed, he dazzled me with his dance moves and kept me in an hypnotic trance with his swagger.  No doubt, I thought he was the sexiest man alive.  At that time I was a loyal fanatic, and despite the scandals (alleged child molestation) that plagued him my love for him was irrefragable. 

Then one hot summer day in June of 2008 my world came to devastating halt. I couldn't hardly believe it when I heard it on the news that my beloved Michael had past away.  I was overcome with grieve, pain and sorrow.  I cried for days as I was inconsolable and in my desire to keep him alive I played his music nonstop. Eventually as time past and I came to term with his passing I realized dead or alive Michael still held a special place in my heart. And still do.  

Be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it!

I am not one to complain, but just the other day I was actually thinking: Boy, I miss being single. I know some of you are thinking: What! But it's true. I miss being unattached to someone. I miss the freedom of not having someone look over my shoulders, tell me the shows I watch on TV sucks, ask me when I am coming to bed and thinks it's romantic to take my hand to touch "it" down there early in the morning while I am still asleep. And this may be cliche, but I especially miss not having to put the toilet seat down every time I go in the bathroom. Why do they always forget? Not even putting a sticking note in the bathroom where he can see it, helps.  God forbid, I ask for some space I get the "What you talking about Willis?" look. But truth is, its all good. Though it's taking some getting used to, I am enjoying learning on the job and it is getting more and more interesting every day.

YOU DESERVE

They say the older you get and still waiting for "the one," the shorter your "must have list" gets. And before long your "must have list" just has: "Please Lord, just let him have all his teeth". So as the years were rolling up and I was still waiting for "the one," instead of a "must have list," I made the "I deserve list." I decided the next time I was in a relationship worth investing my time in, I would be vocal on how I feel about me and what I believe I deserve in a relationship. Needless to say, having been in some not so good relationships most of us know what we deserve. You know from the last relationship when he did not call when he said he would, you deserved consideration and consistency. Somehow you knew when he was thirty minutes late from picking you up and the last time he called was thirty-five minutes ago to say he was on his way, you deserved a heart felt apology. And you knew when you charged that new outfit on the credit card you could not afford just to look good for him, you deserved head to toe compliments. After all is said and done, the heart of the matter is you deserve his respect and acceptance equally immense. You deserve flowers for no reason at all.  And last but not least, more importantly you deserve to know he loves you to no bounds. My list is done; is yours? 

KISSING FROGS...WAITING FOR PRINCE CHARMING

Now that I am in my mid-thirties, I have to admit I am finally at a point in my life where I believe that I am smart, articulate and not to mention funny. I am finally comfortable telling people that yes, I am smart and can understand the complexity of things and dare I say life. The only down side to that I believe if there is one, you are program to look for complexities in things when there are none. For example, some time ago I was watching a rerun of the series "Sex and the City: The Big Time" episode 38 (2000), when one of the ladies articulately explained the simplicity of a man. Men, she said, when you meet one and for some reason he decides he is ready to settle down, it's not faith, but timing and just plain dumb luck. You should not take it that he is madly in love, but simply because he is available and his on-dury light is on at the time. Similar to a cab driver. And all the other times he was playing around was because his on-duty light was off and not ready to settle down. She explained, if you happened to be the one he pick up when his on-duty light is on, he will marry you. Needless to say I could not help it, I was surprised at the truthfulness and the simplicity of what she said. But the moral of the story I thought, was not the obvious and that is: Face it! You are going to be kissing some frogs in the meantime. But really that, when he finds you he is going to be at his best because he is already in the marry state of mind and pretty much going to do whatever you want him to do. Also because believe or not, his biological clock is ticking. Therefore he is ripe and ready for the taking. So if you have to kiss some frogs on the way to finding your Prince Charming, then so be it. And trust me, when you find him or rather when he finds you, I have a feeling it's going to be all the things that Heaven is made of. He is going to make you smile for no reason at all. In fact it's going to be okay that he may still look like a frog and not yet transformed into the prince you know he is inside. He is going to speak to your mind, but also keep your body heat on high. I am sure and I say that with all conviction, that nothing will compare to finding that someone who finally gets you; someone you can be yourself around: No pretense, no wondering about his intentions, because he's already made it clear. He is on-duty!

MALE FRIENDS: A Platonic Relationship??

Once a week—every Thursdays—my friends and I dash out of work and head straight to the village for happy hour to our favorite spot for the best drinks EVER! Usually when we go there, we bring our favorite “People” magazine with us to talk trash about celebrities. It is always a blast when we go there—sometimes we end up in places we have no business being—it is almost guarantee that we get into an argument about this or that, but always too drunk to stay mad at each other.

So on one of those occasions, one of my friends mentioned that she has not seen her friend—a man—in a long time. Always inquisitive and analytical, I made a comment that I did not believe a man and a woman could be in a platonic relationship. Simple, I never met a single guy I wanted to be friends with and not want to f**k (excuse my French). My thing is—I have plenty of friends—I don’t see the purpose or the benefit of having a man friend. I want to talk trash about you with my girls, not with you. I am just saying.

I braced myself for the “oh K, you’re crazy” comment I always get whenever I make a comment that no one—only the people in my head—understands. Not surprisingly, my friends disagreed with me because they both have male friends. Right then, I remembered a joke Chris Rock once told about guys who are in platonic relationship with girls. He said, (I am paraphrasing) the only way a guy end up being in a platonic relationship with a girl is because he could not close the deal. Two reasons: One, the relationship either got to a point where the girl did not want to sleep with him or two, the relationship got all the way but the girl decides that it’s not worth sleeping with him and ruin a potential friendship. Chris explained: The guy who stays in a platonic relationship with a girl is the one who still thinks he has a chance to close the deal. (Ah!)


But here is the thing—though I don’t believe it’s possible to be just friends with a guy—I am not one hundred percent convince that it is totally impossible. I am open-minded. I am just saying. 

http://youtu.be/q75jOnQB0BI

POWER OF THE WORD:
It is imperative that a woman keep her sense of humor intact and at the ready. She must see, even if only in secret, that she is the funniest, looniest woman in her world, which she should also see as being the most absurd world of all times.

Wouldn’t Take Long for My Journey
Now By: Maya Angelou

THIRTY-SOMETHING AND SINGLE

Who knew that being thirty-something and single would be such a challenge? Back in your twenties when you were staying up till five in the morning, who knew that in your thirties you wouldn’t be able to stay up past two A.M. Nevertheless, even with the stigma that goes with being thirty-something and single, there is an upside (yes an upside).

I know it’s hard to image there is an upside to being thirty-something and single with all the magazines and television shows (especially reality shows) and their recipes on how to get a man, how to keep a man, where to find a man and the A to Z of dating. Not to mention, the non-stop commercials on on-line dating like match.com and chemistry.com. It’s perfectly understandable if you are thinking that I am out of my mind, but believe me, the upside of being single is this really great opportunity to re-discover YOU. Don’t get me wrong, no one chooses to be single, but if you find yourself single, there are probably good reasons why you are. I believe instead of feeling bad and rushing to find that perfect mate, (by the way, no one is perfect) you should be taking the opportunity to work on YOU. Think of this time as the “Self Discovery” phase of being single.

I think during this time, you may discover the answers to a few questions: How sensitive is your bullshit meter? And, what is your level of tolerance for inconsistencies? Believe me, it’s a sheer pleasure when you discover that, yes, you are in complete control. Quality is more important than quantity. Having standards is perfectly acceptable and asking relevant questions on dates is also acceptable. And if the answer to the question: what are you looking for in a relationship is “I just want to have fun,” then you know it’s time to delete this person’s contact from your phone, Face book, or whatever you are using these days if that is not what you are looking for. Empower You.



EMPOWERED WORDS:
Each of us has the right and the responsibility to assess the roads which lie ahead, and those over which we have traveled, and if the future road looms ominous or unpromising, and the roads back uninviting, then we need to gather our resolve and carrying only the necessary baggage, step off that road into another direction. If the new choice is also unpalatable, without embarrassment, we must be ready to change that as well.

Maya Angelou

THE NINETY-DAY RULE

For those of you who are not familiar with the Ninety-Day rule, it is basically how long a woman should wait before sleeping with the man she is dating. According to Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man, waiting ninety-days before sleeping with a man is a sure way to guarantee the relationship will last beyond ninety-days. Apparently, this rule is a way to get the respect you deserve from the man you are seeing.

In the book, Steve Harvey explained: In the same way a new employee has to wait for a ninety-day probation period before getting company benefits, you should also have a ninety-day probation period before giving up your benefits to a man. The benefits being your "cookies" or the "good good." That way if things do not work out you will have no regrets. Makes sense, right? But really, how realistic is this rule? And does it really matter whether or not you wait ninety-days before sleeping with a man? My answer to that last question is a big fat NO!

OK, while I understand the importance of getting to know someone before sleeping with him, I also feel it is equally important to know whether or not we are sexually compatible. In my opinion, ninety-days is a long time to spend getting to know someone just to find out at the end that one, he has none of the skills he bragged about (you know how some men like to brag). Two, he does not know the first thing about foreplay and three, he is one of those who arrive at the destination before you even get in the car. So, I believe, the sooner I know these things the better it is for me to make a decision on whether or not I want to take the relationship any further. Besides, men do it why not me (us).

But let’s be serious, the truth is there are different reasons why women and men sleep together be it before or after ninety-days. I don't think it makes a difference when we do it, because if the relationship is meant to work out, it will and if it is not meant to work out, it won’t. The main thing is, learn from your prior experiences, pay attention to the red lights (also known as your intuition) that goes off in your head as a warning when someone is wrong for you and you will have no regrets if you let him go early. And that's my motto.

This is something to talk about...

IS COURTSHIP DEAD?

The question is courtship dead is something I have been pondering for awhile now. And so I decided to ask around to see what the consensus was. What I found was astounding to say the least. One of my girlfriends said if (emphasis on IF) courtship is dead it could only be because we (us…girls) killed it just like we killed chivalry. To prove her point she found a video on YouTube from Dave chapelle's comedy routine “Chivalry Is Dead”. Check it out, it’s hilarious!

Of course I was shock when I watch the video, but I can’t front, some of the things Dave said actually made sense. This only proves to me this is precisely why now a day most man would rather skip the whole courtship thing and go straight to the relationship. Later when the relationship does not work out, one of you (mostly us…yes you!) is left to wonder why. I believe this may have a lot to do with what we stop doing during the beginning of a relationship and that is to make him properly court us. Make him wine and dine us for as long as it takes. Most of us (and I am guilty of it too) are so happy to finally be in a relationship we forget or neglect to make him work for it. And I am not the only one who feels that way. For those of you who are reading this and raising an eyebrow, you should get a copy of Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man. It’s all in the book ladies; I am not making this up. I have six words for you “let a man be a man!”

Now I am not an expert, but I figure if a man has some home training he should at least know how to court the object of his affection (us) and know what’s expected of him on a first, second, third and fourth date and so on and so on… Simple things like opening a car door or pulling out a chair, some basic skills a man should have. If he does not have these basic skills then (I hate to say it, ladies) you need to trained him. And YES, a man can be trained.


So yes, I have come to the conclusion that courting a woman is dead. I don’t know about you, but I want more than just a drink. I will take dinner and a movie and no expectations afterwards any day. If I can find it! Lol! I mean, really!

AND this is something to talk about…let me hear your thoughts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymNdfdQvdVc